Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
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No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
me: my friends:
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter