My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
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I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.