the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
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I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this