still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
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I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.