Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
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What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.