[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
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My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously