[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
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me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I’ve had relationships like this
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
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