I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
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I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”