waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
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Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Word.
~ Microsoft.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
just leave it at the foot of the bed