Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
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What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.