Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!