Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
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[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
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Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.