I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

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Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*


I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.


I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.


If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach


At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.


i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly


Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.


Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.


Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?


Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy