I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.