One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
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I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.