Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
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My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff