It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
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This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”