me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
You Might Also Like
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.