My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
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1. Be young.
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🏙👨🏼
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.