You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
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“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Nothing.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
That’s not how days work.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.