I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
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When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
i spent way too long on this
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?