Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
You Might Also Like
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.