Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
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ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
🔦🌙👣
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park