[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
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OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
PLOT TWIST:
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.