Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
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You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me