My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
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The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film