Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
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ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body