HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
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Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.