me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
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I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t