I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
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Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I’m sure it’s fine.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!