Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
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I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
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The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.