Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did