Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
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Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”