Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
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All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.