ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
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*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
much to think about
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start