The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
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I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
A short story of betrayal:
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.