Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
You Might Also Like
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.