[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
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I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
me hooking up with my ex
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Simple
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids