Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
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astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!