cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
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There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS