*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
You Might Also Like
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”