Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
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*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Midwest trash talk
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Employees must applaud the planets.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”