A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
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Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
technically true but not a great slogan
it must be school picture day
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails