Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
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The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts