i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
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Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt