There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
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GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Accurate
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.