[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
You Might Also Like
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
This story is comedy gold 😂
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
What the dentist sees
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.