I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
You Might Also Like
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Perfect.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.