Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
You Might Also Like
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins