Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
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In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
2022: I can fix it
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers