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You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.