The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
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Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*