We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
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If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
You can’t rush stupid.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now