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Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
He’s cranky this morning
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.