A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
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If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway