It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
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Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Easy enough.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself